The funniest sci-fi romp featuring drunk space ninjas and anthropomorphic musk oxen that you'll read all year!
3-Headed Ice Wombat - a tri-headed beast of a not-so-congenial disposition. They are found througout Tardasio 7 and frequently attack petting zoos and bail bondsmen.
14-String Grevlon Electro-Bass- an extremely loud bass guitar produced by The Grevlon Music Company, on the Jungfallow III. Used by the Trampling Death Robots.
Admiral LePaco - a mysterious galactic crime lord.
Altar House of the Orb - located in the center of Dre'en on Neprius, the Altar House of the Orb is the centralized hub for religious events and ceremonies dedicated to Orbius and The Orb That Controls Everything and Must Be Respected
Arlut - a Hilterian; best friend and fourth cousin (on her quasi-aunt's side) of Turla. She is not as attractive or flirtatious as her cousin, Turla. Arlut was nowhere to be found when Turla's alleged death by Mecha Burger 8000 was discovered in Cyborg Joe's. Her current whereabouts are unknown.
College of Cohorts, Consorts, Co-conspirators, and Assorted Side Kick Types - a respected institution of higher learning that is dedicated to the development of high-quality sidekicks.
Cyborg Joe's Grill N' Go and Why Not Saloon - one of the most famous drinking establishments in all of the known universe; rivals Mr. Drunky's All-Night Alcohol Emporium in the routine output of tall tales, exaggerated stories, and outright lies from its clientele. Located on the planet Kelt. Earl of Glyptodia has been one of the more successful bartenders to be employed at Cyborg Joe's- winning "Bartender of the Year" four times from the Keltian Times and being inducted into the Cyborg Joe's Hall of Fame. Cyborg Joe's has been voted the loudest bar in the Andromeda Galaxy for many consecutive solar cycles.
Deus Ex Machina - the spacecraft of Duke LaGrange. Duke won the ship in a game of No-Limit Nova Texan Strip Slinky Racing. It is an older model ship that is battle-tested and weathered--but strong and reliable. The elevator to the bridge plays annoying Muzak. The view screen is a split-panel - one panel is a live view of space, the other contains operational metrics and data. The ship has shown a great affinity for rescuing Duke and Ishiro'shea in the most dire of circumstances - many times with a capability that the duo was unaware even existed on the Deus.
Deus Ex Machina Owner's Manual - an exhilirating tome; one excerpt reads:
You probably have noticed by now that the Deus Ex Machina has pulled you out of some real jams, huh? Well, that isn’t the half of it. The Deus Ex Machina is equipped to instantly birth survival tech when recognizing a situation in which there is no way to possibly escape. It is quite convenient when you are backed into that proverbial corner with no hope for continuing your adventure. Some discerning thinkers call it a big “cop-out” but they can kiss our collective asses. Love, the builders of the Deus Ex Machina. (P.S. Always push the big red button.)
Dre'en - "The Southern Jewel of Neprius"; Dre'en is a walled-city consisting of a large forested area and a single road leading to a city center. The center plaza contains the majority of the business establishments and the Altar House of the Orb. Outside of the city walls exist small, primitive villages.
Earth - a planet that is good at wars. Birthplace of Ishiro'shea.
Earth whisky - a potent libation; somewhat rare in most sectors of the galaxy but Cyborg Joe's always keeps a steady supply. Joe's source is unknown.
Ecclox System - a system in which the planets rotate at a such speed that the days and nights can be as short as 45 seconds
Erontia - a plant known for its undeground labyrinth cities. Due to their suberranean lifestyle, Erontians are practically translucent but have developed bio-luminescence in their eyes. The Erontians are known for their production of beer, sake, and other alcoholic beverages.
Erontian River Camelcat - small and agile feline-like creatures that feast on fish in the underground rivers of Erontia. After consuming large quantities of food, the Camelcats can go as long as a full solar cycle without eating again. Despite efforts by the Erontian people, they have never been fully domesticated.
Flurn - aka "Winged Flurn"; a flying beast from Neprius used by the tribes to carry messages.
Forsch-Dorvnut - a Jungafallowian from Jungafallow III; rival to Prince Korzo-Tapor. He led a successful revolt (Not So Great Revolt of 4392) and overthrew Korzo-Tapor, however, he was immediately overtaken by Korzo-Tapor's TDR Fan Club army. HIs current whereabouts are unknown.
Garlomb - a planet covered by a frozen tundra and harsh wintry climate
Gartosh - a planet with several moon colonies; the majority of the colonies are inhabited by a race of anthropomorphic musk oxen. A key annual event across Gartosh is the Miss Bovine Boxing Tournament.
Geezu - Neprian Priest
Gheo'to Morphio Root - a hallucinogenic root found in the forest planet of Gheo'to.
Glytpodia - a luxurious planet with an optimal climate for most species. The native Glytpodians are a hulking race of hairy shell-backed bipeds with a penchant for service. Due to this, tourism is the largest part of the Glytopdian economy. Most Glyptodians never leave the planet due to the diverse visitors that frequent their homeworld - "there is no reason to see the universe when the universe comes to you” is a popular slogan on Glyptodia. The creation (and subsequent serving) of alcohol is paramount in their culture; the annual release of the Glytpodian Summer ale is a planet-wide festival. Glyptodians consider themselves the chief rival of Erontia in terms of being the planet with the best booze.
Greattu - a six-legged horned woodland animal native to southern Neprius. Their diet consists primarily of ploob kalarti. Greattu is a local delicacy; their meat is slightly syrupy with an acidic finish.
Grundar - a giant fire-breathing flying panther native to the northern landmass of Neprius.
Gu'r - Neprian rebel; watchmen. He's of a heartier-stature and does not sport a traditional hairstyle, opting for a uniquely shaven beard. He is from a small rural village on the western side of the southern landmass of Neprius.
He'j- father of Ja'a; Tribal Chief of Southern Neprius during the "Rise of Orbius"
Hilterians - a race of magenta-skinned bidepal humanoids. They typically have bright violet eye lashes and purple visor-like eye lids. The have four fingers and perfectly circular palms. When they are excited or flirting, their craniums tend to pulse.
Hoblet and Dilex - Neprian priests; Hoblet is considered to be quite unattractive in his race whereas Dilex is thought to be quite handsome. Dilex is very vain and led to his demise.
"I Want to Smash You, My Binary Baby" - a hit song of the Trampling Death Robots from their breakthrough album, "I Hate Fleshlings".
Jilarian Togg- High Priest of the Northern Tribes during the "Rise of Orbius"; killed in Sansagon by The Orb
Joe- the proprietor of the Cyborg Joe's; she is mysterious and all-powerful. She is the keeper of the portals that allow visitors to traverse time and space and dimensions. She is also a damn good bartender. One of her famous quotations is "anything without a cost isn't worth having."
Jungafallowian System - a system of eleven planets, Jungafallow I-X, and an 11th dwarf planet known as Junga-Mini I. Jungafallow III and IV are inhabitaed by two branches of the same species. Oddly enough, these are the only two planets in the system in which the natives refer to themselves as "Jungafallowians".
Jungafallow III - a planet in the Jungafallowian System; known for an aggressive race of two-headed reptiloids with a penchant for explosion rock music. In fact, many of the planet's cultural and ritualistic events center around the popular band, The Trampling Death Robots. From a political perspective, they are ruled by an all-powerful Prince - but do to the species' tendency to be ill-tempered and fickle, there is a revolt every few solar cycles. The current Prince is Korzo-Tapor.
Jungafallow IV - a planet in the Jungafallowian System; the counterbalance to Jungafallow III in that the two-headed reptiloids that inhabit the planet are devoid of any aggression-inducing media. Accountability and law permeate through Jungafallow IV; a council of law enforcement personnel create and govern the planet's legal code. The Chief Council Member is voted on by the council every ten solar cycles. The Trampling Death Robots are the most wanted criminals on Jungafallow IV.
Junga-Mini I - the 11th planet in the Jungafallowian System; a dwarf planet.
Kelt - a planet consisting of numerous urban centers and mega-cities. The most notable landmark on Kelt is Cyborg Joe's Grill N' Go and Why Not Saloon.
Laser Revolver (aka Pulse Pistol)- a small hand-held firearm common througout the galaxy. Sometimes the term is used interchangeably with "pulse pistol", however, a laser revolver is a specific type of pulse pistol (all laser revolvers are pulse pistols, not all pulse pistols are laser revolvers). Duke LaGrange is a master marksman with his laser revolver.
Ma'n - Neprian rebel; watchmen.
Mazilda Cloax - an intergalactic assassin.
Mecha Burger 8000 - a culinary staple of Cyborg Joe's; it kills 23% of the lifeforms that try and digest it.
"Moonlight Over Squashed Bones of Puny Beings, Parts I-III in E-Flat" - widely considered The Trampling Death Robots' signature song.
Mustangsen- precious stone used by Orbius for his palace; southern Neprians enslaved by The Orb are forced to mine for these rocks in harsh conditions.
Neprius - planet featuring a single landmass that looks like a bar bell - two large continents connected by a land bridge. The southern continent includes the city of Dre'en.
No-Limit Nova Texan Strip Slinky Racing - a high-stakes game played by the really wealthy and the really dastardly. Its origins are unknown but its popularity extends far beyond Nova Texas. Duke LaGrange won his ship, the Deus Ex Machina, in a successful round of No-Limit Nova Texan Strip Slinky Racing.
Not so Great Revolt of 4392 - a revolt, led by Forsch-Dorvnut, on Jungafallow III that deposed Prince Korzo-Tapor. Despite rumors of his death, Korzo-Tapor was actually in hiding and building an army from the Jungafallaowian II Chapter of the Trampling Death Robots Fan Club.
Nova Texas - a planet with large desert regions; birthplace of Duke LaGrange. Nova Texas was settled by Earth colonists.
Nova Texas National Anthem - an exercpt from the anthem:
Hail Nova Texas, a beauty under the sun,
It gets hotter than Hell,
For which it ain’t much fun,
But we have cacti and critters and fried meats on-the-go,
And don’t think you can tell us what to do,
‘Cause we always have our shotguns in tow.
…and we don’t have sex with our livestock.
Ol' Betsy - an out-of-production Widowmaker Sonic Shotgun owned by Duke LaGrange.
Ootrel - a planet known throughout the universe as having master craftsmen and engineers. The Ootrelians are extreme capitalists and the numerous civilizations on the large planet are almost all built around the free-flow of commerce and goods. The most popular exports of Ootrel are their arms and armaments. The powerful Ootrelian Star Cannon is outlawed througout the universe and is a must-have on every criminal's wish list. The tanning and leather goods industry is also booming; one of Duke LaGrange's prized possessions is his Ootrelian leather back holster (for Ol' Betsy). An emerging market on Ootrel is the production of musical instruments; Panatynian Corporation - a manufacturer of guitars, drums, and musical hand grenades - is one of the fastest rising firms in all of Ootrel.
Orbius - "The Orbmaster of the Orb"; referred to by the Neprian Priests as their leader and savior. He is the only one that can control The Orb that Controls Everything and Must Be Respected.
The Orb that Controls Everything and Must Be Respected - a powerful artifact that is worshiped by the Neprians. The Orb is controlled by Orbius.
Oscavia - a planet with a moderate climate and popular for vacation and retirement. The Oscavian Caves are a frequented tourist spot known for their romantic charm.
Panatynian Earblaster Guitar - a thunderous guitar made by the Panatynian Corporation on Ootrel. Used by the Trampling Death Robots.
"Peace"- the Southern Neprian name for the Orb That Controls Everything and Must Be Respected
Ploob Kalarti - a conical fruit covered in small purple fibers; only found in southern Neprius.
Pulse Pistol (aka Laser Revolver) - a small hand-held firearm common througout the galaxy. There are thousands of models and customization options. Sometimes the term is used interchangeably with "laser revolver", however, a laser revolver is a specific type of pulse pistol (all laser revolvers are pulse pistols, not all pulse pistols are laser revolvers). Duke LaGrange is a master marksman with his laser revolver.
Quibbian Erecto-varmint - a very tall beast native to the savannahs of the planet Quibb.
Sanlepaco- largest city in Northern Neprius
Shud'nut - a village in Southern Neprius; birthplace of Gu'r. It was overtaken by Orbius' forces during the rise of Orbius/Ot Vangu.
Sol's Bail Bonds-O-Rama - found on Tardasio 7, Sol is one of the many bail bondsmen that have a working relationship with Duke LaGrange. Much of the staff was allegedly killed by a Three-Headed Ice Wombat, however, Sol survived.
Tardasio 7 - a planet in the Tardasian Sysetm; Tardasio 7 has two prominent polar caps and a continuous landmass that runs the width of the planet like a belt. Tardasio 7 was originally settled by smugglers and used car salesmen and has an abundance of violent speed cycle gangs--but they have tried to clean things up. Duke is a frequent visitor due to the fact that Sol's Bail Bonds-O-Rama is headquartered on Tardasion 7. The planet is also home to the viscious three-head ice wombat.
Te'o - Neprian rebel; watchmen.
To-To Megro Minor - a planet known for its skilled blacksmiths and the export of a nearly impenetrable metal.
Trampling Death Robots - an extremely popular explosion rock band comprised of four members - lead singer Sprinkles (Model #QNGH64A), lead guitarist Dynamo Jones, Jr. (Model #1006A), bassist Doug (Model #8), and Beep Beep (Model # unknown). The group is celebrated as cultural icons on Jungafallow III - and are wanted on Jungafallow IV.
Trampling Death Robotos Fan Club & Attack Squad - Jungafallowian III Chapter - a chapter of the TDR Fan Club led by Prince Korzo-Tapor. The group helped him reclaim his title of Prince of Jungafallow III after he was deposed in the Not So Great Revolt of 4392. They chapter's space craft possesses an Ootrelian Star Cannon. Other members include Lt. Vlop-Tunnu, Flakka-Grog, and Orbo-Terg.
Turla - a Hilterian; best friend and fourth cousin (on her quasi-aunt's side) of Arlut. Her name means "very generous" in Hillterian. She is the alpha female of the tandem and is quite amorous. She allegedly died at the hands of a Mecha Burger 8000 but her death has not been verified.
Ty'n - Neprian rebel; watchmen. Skinny for his race.
Vlop-Tunnu, Lt. - A Jungafallowian that is second-in-command to Prince Korzo-Tapor on the Trampling Death Robots Fan Club & Attack Squad spaceship. It is unknown if Vlop-Tunnu also has a similar rank in Korzo-Tapor's military back on Jungafallow III.
Willie's World of Galactic Winnebagos - a popular retail location for cosmic Winnebagos; their famous tagline reads: "The universe is our home, so make it yours…now with flushing toilets compatible with up to 85 species!”